Christmas is coming and I hate Christmas shopping. Truth be told, I was more excited about the 787 taking it's first flight today than I am about Christmas. Does that make me Scrooge? Ehhh...so be it.

But I have to admit I love the new Gap commercial for "comfy sweaters." Scratch that. Like Racked NY said, the phrase "I love my comfy sweaters" simultaneously fills me with joy and yet also makes me want to put a bullet in my brain.

If you haven't seen it yet, well then I am pretty sure the CIA needs to talk to you because you obviously have been living in the cave Osama Bin Laden is living in. But just in case here you go...


But then it got even better. What's better than cute girls excited over Christmas? That's right: 20-something boys imitating cute, excited girls. Enjoy!



Enjoy the holiday fun. I'll be sure to write something more thought provoking later.

I am starting a new blog mini-series called: lessons in thinking outside the box. It will not be one after the other like other mini-series. But it will pop up from time to time.

In Andy's official point scoring scheme for thoughts, you get most points (say: up to 976) for being logical, and then second most points (say: up to 763) for thinking outside of the box (read: controversial).

So what better way to kick off this new mini series with something that will most likely cause all of you to be grossed out because of an inability to process logic?

I am going to confess something to you that most of my friends already know: I rarely wash my hands after taking a pee. The logic usually goes like this:

1. I don't pee on my hands
2. My penis is the cleanest part of my body
   1. Subpoint #1: It has twice the clothing coverage of any other part of my body
   2. Subpoint #2: I don't feel obligated to wash my hands after holding my arm or any other body part
3. If anything my hands are dirtier than my penis, thus I should probably wash my hands before going to the bathroom.
4. Especially in public bathrooms, I am pretty sure the faucet, etc... are dirtier than my penis so washing my hands defeats the purpose as well

So I was watching South Park last week and I award them full points (1,739) for both logic and outside the box thinking.



The irony in all of this is that I am a super clean guy. Also, I randomly wash my hands all the time through out the day (especially after typing a lot). I just don't feel obliged to after going to the bathroom. So...who wants to dispute this thinking and/or let me hold their baby :)

(Hope you enjoyed the holiday levity, I'll be back to writing about things that matter later in the week).

I have been waiting to do this blog for four years now. I knew one day it would come. I just never thought the complaint would be due to me (ok, I sort of thought it might).

Allen and I have been on the air for over four years and up until last week we have never had to use the DUMP button due to an obscene comment made on the air. That all changed last week.

Last Sunday Allen picked up a caller and the first words out of his mouth were "Fuck You" and then hung up. We were actually out of delay, so that went out live over all of our affiliates.

Then just last night, a caller from San Antonio (first night on that station by the way) was talking about something and accidentally said "shit" on the air. We were in delay, hit the dump button, and all was good. No worries.

The real surprising thing was the only real complaint we got over the last two weeks wasn't with the F-bomb being dropped, but rather the fact that when I talked about the bike race I completed for charity, I made a reference to how I could see how Lance Armstrong got "ball cancer" due to the way my crotch felt after riding for 30 miles.

One complaint! That's it. But as Family Guy puts it, for every complaint received has to equal one BILLION people offended:



I freely admit I am not concerned with obscenity. I don't really see a case to be made in the Bible that "fowl language" is really amoral. And don't even get me started on how as a culture everyone gets way too offended way too easy - especially Christians (and gays).

But beyond that, why is it the government's job to legislate this stuff anyway? Why did we decided that the public airwaves were owned and controlled by the government to begin with? And as delivery options become less dependent on "public airwaves" (satellite communication, cellular communication, hardwired communication), I have to ask myself, should the FCC and "obscenity" laws really become obsolete?

And as always, it isn't the situation we find ourselves in now that I am too worried about, but rather the precedent it establishes that will allow for the expanse of power:



Before anyone asks, no, we didn't get any complaints from the FCC (yet). I just found the Family Guy stuff to be pretty profound when I first saw it back in November of 2005 and have just been waiting for a "personal" story to commentate.

Enjoy the FCC song:

I have always been a bit of a news junky. When other kids were watching cartoons and SNick, I usually was watching CNN. Oddly, now that I am in the "news business" - I find myself not watching much of it anymore.

And while I used to enjoy all sources of news, I have to admit, Fox News & MSNBC aren't news channels - they are commentary channels. The fact they masquerade as news channel is destroying America.

Take for instance this advertisement I saw in a trade publication I receive.



What stands out to me is the verbiage. Fox News is claiming they are the best at talking to America. Not talking with America. Not informing America. No they are good at talking to America. The verbiage brings to mind a parent talking to their child.

The problem is that Fox News & MSNBC have got it in their minds that they know better than everyone else in America. So in reality they have conceded any sort of unbiased credibility.

Now I have most likely pissed everyone off. Conservatives think Fox News is a God send. And liberals find MSNBC to "finally" have come around as a new source of light in a conservatively controlled world.

But the shallow minds who find Fox News and MSNBC to be unbiased news reporting are those who really only want to be told what they already believe.

It is sadly humorous to me when I say I trust CNN as the least biased news source. My conservative friends say, "ahh how can you watch the Clinton News Network. It's so liberal." My liberal friends say, "man, CNN is so conservative and are afraid to report the truth in fear of offending the right."

If they are pissing off both sides - and their ratings prove that - I think it actually means they are the only credible source left.

But this really isn't about the news. It is about what is tearing America apart: settling into camps of extremism regardless of the issue.

I made the comment in Creative last week that Perez Hilton is really no better than those behind GodHatesFags.com - they are just two extremes on the opposite end of the perspective. It isn't their perspective that is damaging, it is that they take their perspective to such a angered and figuratively violent extreme.

It's true with news sources. It is true with those in the gay debate. It is true with immigration. It is true in just about every issue we find contentious in our society.

If we would all just move to the middle, learn to compromise and love, and stop seeking refuge in the extremes, we would be a country worth living in again. A country our founders would be proud of. A country truly living out the golden rule.

But instead we just figuratively go on watching Fox News or MSNBC and continue to divide the country further and further apart. It's time to turn to CNN.

It has been a frustrating couple of months.

It has been frustrating in almost every arena.

And for this reason, no more will be said, even though writing about it would be incredibly therapeutic.

These of course are probably not real problems per se. I mean after all, I have food on the table and a roof over my head. To quote Susan Isaacs in Angry Conversations With God: these would be middle class white girl boy problems.

But also as she said, these are still my middle class white girl boy problems. Thus making the frustration still real.

This is probably why I haven't been motivated to write recently (it's been almost a month since I wrote anything of real substance). I don't feel like writing anything contentious because I am sick of conflict. I don't want to write anything about my life because, well, frankly I shouldn't due to some of the readership here.

So instead I do nothing.

Last night after the show, Justin and I went to the Drunken Unicorn in the Highlands to shoot an interview of a band opening for William Elliott Whitmore. Even though we weren't going for William, I was pleasantly surprised by his music.

It isn't really a genre I like, but his lyrics resonated with me a lot in that small music club reeking of smoke and whisky.

Particularly the song Take It On The Chin. The recorded version doesn't really do what I heard last night justice. Maybe William had more whisky and his voice was scratchier. Maybe it was the atmosphere. Maybe it was the acoustics. I don't know. I do know the live version was longer as I stood there suspended taking in what I was listening to.



Two parts struck a large chord.

He said life is a battle and it ain't even fair
but if you stay up in your saddle,
you're already halfway there

Adding to these lyrics would probably take away from their depth, so I'll let them speak for themseleves.

I'll always be behind you son

The relationships that stand behind us no matter what are truly rare and important. It certainly makes the valley's of life harder when they are not within proximity.

I usually pride myself on my ultra-independence. But I freely admit, that independence has been devalued within me a bit over the past couple of months. I find myself questioning many of the pursuits I once held at the top, and longing to just be around those who would be right behind me as I'd take it on the chin.

So after a 10-hour work day, and the frustrations of 3 months building, listening to the works of William Elliott Whitmore with a hundred or so others was surprisingly and exceedingly reassuring to me.

I don't know why it has been so hard for me to blog recently. I have like a billion topics in the can, but I just can't seem to sit in front of the computer to do any of them. So this shall be quick.

I haven't watched the SuperBowl in its entirety for the past four years. This makes me very sad everytime I think about it, so let's not bring it up again.

I did however see the pregame show (including the botched Obama interview). I saw this ad while importing stuff for the show at WSB and I about died laughing.



Just for the record, I am going to start calling everyone I see in the Fort Wayne Country Club locker room Shankopotamus.

And that name might just replace "Scuba Steve" as the name I call people when I can't remember who they are - if you've hung out with me for more than 10 minutes, you know what I am talking about.

If I get motivated I'll do a a couple of blogs in the next couple of days on my favorite and least favorite commercials from the SuperBowl. Hulu is kind enough to put them all online for sorry saps like me who didn't get to see them live.

But then again, the question will be, will I be motivated enough this week to do so.

Well I have had some serious posts recently so I figured I would lighten it up a bit.

First of all, who saw Scrubs last night? Seriously! I am so glad it is back on the air. The first episode of the evening wasn't all that great, but the second was phenomenal. And mad props to my brother for catching the coincidence of the episode subject and my previous blog on death. Crazy. I think someone at Scrubs is reading my blogs and coming up with shows really quickly afterward. If you are out there...I know you are there!

If you missed this show, you can catch the full episode here. Great job capturing the universal fear of death. Hmm...it was good.

Second bit of light-heartedness. I am going to kill Paris Hilton. Now I know that isn't particularity light-hearted nor am I the first one who has said this. But I bet I am the only with my reason.

I was listening to WSB-sister-station 95.5 The Beat this morning on the 5-minute drive to the office and they were talking about some ground breaking piece of important news: Paris Hilton thinks she will be ready to have children in 2 years or so.

But here's the worst part: she is going to name her first girl London.

Ever since watching the Seinfeld episode where George wants to name his daughter Seven - I decided I was going to name my daughters Paris and Sydney - after my two favorite cities. Mind you this was circa 2000.

But then in 2003, Paris Hilton becomes famous because she doinked some genius from New Jersey that somehow let the tape get on the internet. Lesson to all you young ladies out there: if you are going to make a sex tape, make sure you keep it.

Thus my plan of naming my daughter Paris is completely thwarted. And even though I am sure Paris will die of syphilis before I have a daughter, I still won't be able to name my daughter Paris.

But now this! She is going to name her kid London. That is like one step away from Sydney. Who is to say she won't name her second daughter Sydney - thus one woman will have essentially ruined both the names I wanted for my kids.

I guess I am going to have to marry Nicky Hilton (she's the cuter one anyway) and then we'll pop out a kid before Paris can and thus I will get my revenge! Yeah...that's the plan...I'll work on that one for a bit.

If you knew your death was imminent - like within minutes - and there was absolutely nothing you could do about it, what do you think you would do?

Would you freak out?

Would you pray? Especially for forgiveness?

Would you try and call loved ones? Which ones?

What if you couldn't contact anyone?

For some reason I think about this when I fly. Not with any morbid panic, "we're all going to die" mindset. But just in a subdued fact of reality that it could happen.

I know what I would do. I would grab the iPhone and pull up I Can Only Imagine. I am not usually a big fan of Christian music, but I Can Only Imagine is great simply because it has no answers, just one open-ended statement-question: I Can Only Imagine?



If I had an extra couple of minutes I would probably pull up one more: Brooke White's performance of Let It Be on American Idol. I often listen to this after I have had a really bad day. It is incredibly calming.

.

Other close contenders were Come What May the Moulin Rouge version and Hear You Me by Jimmy Eat World.

I think I would also try and get off one quick text message - hoping that I would get cell coverage before impact. It would probably go to Allen - strange I know - but I don't know anyone who empathetically, but helpfully breaks bad news to people better than him.

It would read:
Going down. All is well. Tell all I love them, not to be angry, and to keep living life to the fullest

It wouldn't be long, and I wouldn't send out more than one. I'd get that off, sit back, and let the moment of worship take me into eternity - whatever that may be.

I don't really know why I blogged about this today. Maybe it was last night's show. It just came to my mind for some reason and I figured I would share. That's what I would hope for in my final moments, what do you think you would do?

We've had some pretty heavy posts so I am going to lighten it up.

One thing that annoys the crap out of me when pulling clips from Comedy Central for the show is the they play an ad spot before every single video.

The most annoying? Blackberry. We ge-e-e-et it. You have a phone that is almost as cool as an iPhone. They currently have three different versions that rotate in the cue.

But one of them I think has my identical voice twin - you know like in the Friends episode where Joey finds his identical hand twin. You've probably seen it on TV a half a billion times but go ahead and take another watch:



Now listen to a version I recorded of myself (with no alterations):





See. Ok, so I know I don't hit "Life" quite right - but I think that has more to do with my poor VO ability than the voice itself.

Somewhere out there (probably New York or LA) there is a guy out there with my identical voice. Ohh how I hope one day we can meet and have conversation where we aren't really sure which one is talking.

I get a trade publication called Advertising Age sent to me on a weekly basis. I don't know why it started arriving, but I love it. It is a fantastic wealth of information.

Last week, I opened it and it answered a question I had been wondering for years: what do advertisers pay per :30 spot on a regular basis. Sure we always hear about the million dollar spots during the SuperBowl and what the last episode of Seinfeld pulled. But on average, what is a company paying for me to watch an episode of Chuck or Big Bang Theory or Bones or Dirty Sexy Money?

The answer: the average for a :30 spot in primetime TV is $124,920. But that is only half the picture. What about viewership? If you take spot rates and divide by average viewership, the advertisers spends $0.0171 per person to watch their ad spot.

But being the self-centered person that I am, I want to know about me?

Well, first of all, I learned that advertisers are willing to pay more for my attention than average - since the shows I watch averaged $186,316 (or $0.02431 per time I watch). But at a more humbling point, very few of the shows I watch are anywhere near the top 10. So I am expensive and unpopular. Done.

But what I think is even more interesting is what this says about what advertisers think our lives our worth.

Think about it. Say there are an average of 7 minutes of advertising per 30 minutes of shows. This makes 14 total :30 second units per half hour of TV. The average American lives to be 78.16 years old. If you do the math, that basically means that according to advertisers, the average American's life is valued at $327,829.

Now, my life is worth $465,980 - which makes me better than you - but still pretty humbling huh ;)

Well lucky for us, God and our love ones think we are entirely more valuable than the average advertiser.

Name of Show	:30 Cost	Sta	Day	Time	Viewership	Cost / Person
Sunday Night Football	$434,792	NBC	Sun	8:00 PM	14,207,000	$0.03
Fringe	$343,000	Fox	Tues	9:00 PM	9,906,000	$0.03
Grey's Anatomy	$326,685	ABC	Thus	9:00 PM	14,797,000	$0.02
Desperate Housewives	$318,552	ABC	Sun	9:00 PM	15,505,000	$0.02
Two and a Half Men	$276,433	CBS	Mon	9:00 PM	13,577,000	$0.02
CSI	$262,600	CBS	Thus	9:00 PM	23,485,000	$0.01
House	$260,179	Fox	Tues	8:00 PM	12,978,000	$0.02
The Simpsons	$250,000	Fox	Sun	8:00 PM	7,408,000	$0.03
Family Guy	$231,306	Fox	Sun	9:00 PM	8,384,000	$0.03
The Office	$213,164	NBC	Thus	9:00 PM	9,245,000	$0.02
Survivor	$212,800	CBS	Thus	8:00 PM	13,076,000	$0.02
Dancing With the Stars	$205,000	ABC	Mon	8:00 PM	18,592,000	$0.01
Extreme Makover: Home Edition	$200,347	ABC	Sun	8:00 PM	11,832,000	$0.02
Brothers & Sisters	$198,532	ABC	Sun	10:00 PM	10,326,000	$0.02
Heros	$198,379	NBC	Mon	9:00 PM	8,198,000	$0.02
Prison Break	$193,902	Fox	Mon	9:00 PM	5,372,000	$0.04
Dancing (Results Show)	$191,403	ABC	Tues	9:00 PM	15,065,000	$0.01
Private Practice	$182,656	ABC	Wed	9:00 PM	8,163,000	$0.02
CSI: Miami	$182,101	CBS	Mon	10:00 PM	13,884,000	$0.01
King of the Hill	$181,429	Fox	Sun	8:30 PM	6,589,000	$0.03
Worst Week	$179,727	CBS	Mon	9:30 PM	8,848,000	$0.02
American Dad	$159,533	Fox	Sun	9:30 PM	6,855,000	$0.02
Eleventh Hour	$155,400	CBS	Thus	10:00 PM	11,373,000	$0.01
Ugly Betty	$151,870	ABC	Thus	8:00 PM	8,521,000	$0.02
Law & Order: SVU	$146,679	NBC	Tues	10:00 PM	10,391,000	$0.01
How I Met Your Mother	$142,117	CBS	Mon	8:30 PM	8,977,000	$0.02
Terminator: Sarah Connor Chronicles	$140,879	Fox	Mon	8:00 PM	5,726,000	$0.02
Samatha Who?	$140,124	ABC	Mon	9:00 PM	2,118,000	$0.07
Eli Stone	$139,898	ABC	Tues	10:00 PM
CSI: New York	$137,648	CBS	Wed	10:00 PM	15,873,000	$0.01
Big Bang Theory	$135,357	CBS	Mon	8:00 PM	8,597,000	$0.02
Life on Mars	$133,233	ABC	Thus	10:00 PM	11,333,000	$0.01
Dirty Sexy Money	$130,164	ABC	Wed	10:00 PM	5,852,000	$0.02
My Name Is Earl	$127,978	NBC	Thus	8:00 PM	7,166,000	$0.02
Without a Trace	$127,766	CBS	Tues	10:00 PM	12,611,000	$0.01
The Amazing Race	$127,634	CBS	Sun	8:00 PM	10,999,000	$0.01
Kath & Kim	$125,683	NBC	Thus	8:30 PM	7,515,000	$0.02
NCIS	$121,718	CBS	Tues	8:00 PM	16,288,000	$0.01
Criminal Minds	$117,359	CBS	Wed	9:00 PM	16,185,000	$0.01
Saturday Night College Football	$114,649	ABC	Sat	8:00 PM	6,739,000	$0.02
Kitchen Nightmares	$114,146	Fox	Thus	9:00 PM
Bones	$114,084	Fox	Wed	8:00 PM	10,559,000	$0.01
The Biggest Loser	$113,218	NBC	Tues	8:00 PM	7,265,000	$0.02
Boston Legal	$112,610	ABC	Mon	10:00 PM	8,746,000	$0.01
Pushing Daisies	$111,125	ABC	Wed	8:00 PM	5,501,000	$0.02
ER	$110,049	NBC	Thus	10:00 PM	9,408,000	$0.01
30 Rock	$104,178	NBC	Thus	9:30 PM
America's Next Top Model	$103,714	CW	Wed	8:00 PM	3,935,000	$0.03
Knight Rider	$102,754	NBC	Wed	8:00 PM	6,856,000	$0.02
Cold Case	$101,112	CBS	Sun	9:00 PM	11,095,000	$0.01
Fooball Night in America	$100,811	NBC	Sun	7:00 PM	7,561,000	$0.01
60 Minutes	$99,000	CBS	Sun	7:00 PM	17,470,000	$0.01
My Own Worst Enemy	$98,909	NBC	Mon	10:00 PM
The Mentalist	$97,006	CBS	Tues	9:00 PM	15,603,000	$0.01
Chuck	$92,645	NBC	Mon	8:00 PM	5,832,000	$0.02
Oppurtunity Knocks	$92,427	ABC	Tues	8:00 PM	5,960,000	$0.02
Deal or No Deal	$92,115	NBC	Wed	9:00 PM
America's Funniest Home Videos	$90,044	ABC	Sun	7:00 PM	8,916,000	$0.01
Deal or No Deal	$90,034	NBC	Fri	9:00 PM	6,633,000	$0.01
Life	$86,948	NBC	Fri	10:00 PM	4,978,000	$0.02
The Unit	$84,630	CBS	Sun	10:00 PM	9,713,000	$0.01
Ghost Whisperer	$82,400	CBS	Fri	8:00 PM	4,427,000	$0.02
Supernanny	$82,200	ABC	Fri	9:00 PM	3,205,000	$0.03
'Til Death	$82,108	Fox	Wed	9:00 PM	4,610,000	$0.02
Numb3rs	$81,700	CBS	Fri	10:00 PM
Old Christine	$79,535	CBS	Wed	8:00 PM	7,526,000	$0.01
Lipstick Jungle	$78,000	NBC	Wed	10:00 PM	4,764,000	$0.02
20/20	$75,950	ABC	Fri	10:00 PM	7,017,000	$0.01
The Ex-List	$73,800	CBS	Fri	9:00 PM
Gary Unmarried	$72,019	CBS	Wed	8:30 PM	7,357,000	$0.01
Wife Swap	$70,300	ABC	Fri	8:00 PM	4,104,000	$0.02
Don't Forget the Lyrics	$68,789	Fox	Fri	9:00 PM	4,347,000	$0.02
One Tree Hill	$67,902	CW	Mon	9:00 PM	3,420,000	$0.02
Toughest Jobs	$66,442	NBC	Fri	8:00 PM	3,972,000	$0.02
Gossip Girl	$62,139	CW	Mon	8:00 PM	3,398,000	$0.02
The Moment of Truth	$61,729	Fox	Thus	8:00 PM
Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader	$59,900	Fox	Fri	8:00 PM	5,443,000	$0.01
Dateline	$59,708	NBC	Sat	8:00 PM
90210	$58,347	CW	Tues	8:00 PM	3,116,000	$0.02
Cops 2	$57,081	Fox	Sat	9:00 PM	5,528,000	$0.01
Smallville	$54,323	CW	Thus	8:00 PM	4,119,000	$0.01
48 Hours Mystery	$52,300	CBS	Sat	10:00 PM	7,319,000	$0.01
Cops 1	$50,367	Fox	Sat	8:00 PM	4,683,000	$0.01
Stylista	$48,942	CW	Wed	9:00 PM
Law & Order: SVU (repeats)	$46,884	NBC	Sat	10:00 PM
Everybody Hates Chris	$44,533	CW	Fri	8:00 PM	1,697,000	$0.03
America's Most Wanted	$41,730	Fox	Sat	10:00 PM	5,428,000	$0.01
Crimtetime Saturday	$38,000	CBS	Sat	9:00 PM	5,559,000	$0.01
Supernatural	$37,982	CW	Thus	9:00 PM	3,508,000	$0.01
Knight Rider (repeats)	$36,738	NBC	Sat	9:00 PM
Privileged	$33,305	CW	Tues	9:00 PM	1,873,000	$0.02
Crimetime Saturday	$32,600	CBS	Sat	8:00 PM
The Game	$29,583	CW	Fri	9:00 PM	1,805,000	$0.02
Easy Money	N/A	CW	Sun	9:00 PM
In Harm's Way	N/A	CW	Sun	7:00 PM
Surviving Suburbia	N/A	CW	Sun	7:30 PM
Valentine Inc	N/A	CW	Sun	8:00 PM