Andy Borgmann's Blog

So Allen comes to me this past week and says, "I think I want to do a show on online dating. Did you know there are over 1,300 online dating sites? What are you thoughts about online dating?" Before he even uttered all that, I knew this was going to be a topic where I was thrown under the bus. Sure enough, the topic title: "Is It Time For Andy to Use Online Dating."

If you have the time, listen to the whole show (30 minutes long). We had a good time. We had Les Parrott on there. Les is the founder of eHarmony marriage, and a very good friend of Dr. Neil Warren (the guy in the eHarmony commercials). Plus I got to play P!nk's U + Ur Hand and Avril Lavinge's Girlfriend as rejoins - and we all know I am weird and for some reason like chick rock.

But for those who don't have 30-minutes. Here are two clips.

Allen's Monologue

Andy's Questioning & Response

The best part was when Mike South, a porn producer here in Atlanta and friend of our show, e-mailed this:

I gotta tell ya, I had the pleasure of a lunch with Andy a while back and I think, that if a young lady is looking for a Good Christian man who isn't judgmental, who is smart and modestly decent looking. She couldn't go wrong with Andy...I know lots of girls would date Andy but It might not be a "good fit"

Is he saying I have a small penis? Seriously. I am calling you out Mike South. Although, you did say that I am modestly decent looking, so I'll call it even

Here are my problems with dating in general:

1. The older I get, the more "set" in my ways I become and the less I am willing to compromise.
2. I am a very weird mix because on one hand faith is super important to me, but on the other hand, I do not fit the "stereotypical" Christian boy (hence the lunch with Mike South and countless other examples).
3. I work super hard, find a lot of satisfaction in that, and am a borderline workaholic.

Here are my problems with traditional dating:

1. I don't know who is single and who isn't (and I am a horrible judge of age).
2. I typically can figure out exactly where the relationship would fail within 5 minutes of meeting someone (previous blog post about such ability).
3. I hate church small groups. It's like the bar scene, except instead of awkward drunk conversations, you just have awkward theological conversations and/or are asked to watch VeggieTales.

Here is my problem with online dating:

1. I don't want to have to tell the story for the next 50 years of my life that me and my wife met through a website some old dude created with his Ph.D. buddies.

So what's a boy to do? Seriously. I know I get about 300 visitors per post, so I want to hear from all you. Have you used online dating? Was it a good or bad experience? Would you ever use it or do you think it is an awful cop out?

I should have known it was going to be like this. Friday, May 9: CJ and Andrea were scheduled to fly into Atlanta. The past week I had worked 67 hours to make sure everything was ready. Then on Friday, in the classic state of a "modern man," I cleaned the house, baked a cake, worked 8 hours, marinated chicken, paid bills, went grocery shopping, did laundry, and constructed a table. Why a table you asked? Because as I was moping my kitchen floor, I leaned on my old table and it split in half. So a run to Ikea and back at rush hour, and 30 minutes of drilling, bam a new table. That day was crazy. But little did I know it was just the beginning.

Here are some stats from the past 3 weeks:

• Miles Driven: 1,743
• Miles Flown: 1,543
• Money Spent Since May 9th: $1,954.64
• Money Spent Since May 16th (Asher's Arrival): $1,471.16
• Total Number of Different Beds Slept In: 7
• Total Number of Hospitals Visited: 3
• Total Time Spent in Hopsitals: 37 Hours

So what did I learn from all of this? Three things.

1.) Police in Charleston don't monitor parking meters, but they do make up stop signs for you to run through
It is true. I stopped paying the parking meters in Charleston, but this was only after I noticed that nobody else did either. Ironically, I was pulled over on by a bicycle cop (that's a first) for running a stop sign that wasn't there.

2.) Hospitals are disappointingly not like Scrubs
We all know I am a huge Scrubs fan. The whole time I was looking for a Crazy Janitor, or a Dr. Cox, or the Chief of Medicine. But nothing! There wasn't even a hot Dr. Reid anywhere. Although there were some hot nurses. This brings me to lesson #3.

3.) Married people are the absolute worst wingmen
Ok, so there was this hot girl who worked at the Ronald McDonald House where CJ and Andrea stayed. And so sure enough, Andrea goes to check out, and the girl asks about me. So she proceeds to tell her that I am a radio producer (good), my job is really flexible (good), and I am staying at the Motel 6. What the heck Andrea? Seriously!

No, he's such a good guy he rearranged his schedule to be here for three weeks. No, he's so great with our daughter Jadyn if he were just married we would consider making him the God-parent. No, he dropped $1,400 with out blinking an eye just to help us. No, he's travelled the world and been to tons of exotic locations. No, None of that? Just, he's staying at the Motel 6?

Heck, I would have even taken the Motel 6 reference if you would have prefaced it with 1.) he's slept on so many floors in third world countries doing humanitarian and missionary work, the Motel 6 is like the Ritz or 2.) he stays at the Motel 6 now because he is good with money and he doesn't care and it means his wife and children won't have to stay at the Motel 6 when they travel, or 3.) all the hotels were full and/or ridiculously expensive due to the Memorial Day weekend festivities.

Married people everywhere, take a lesson from this Scrubs clip.

Ok, maybe not the drunken weekend part, but you get the idea. That is what we call a good Wingman.

But all and all, it was a great extended trip. We had a great time and was worth every second and penny. Here's a look back, through pictures.

I checked the mail today and got a save the date from Kim in Minneapolis. Kim always draws my mind towards two things: 1.) the fact I wanted to date her my first two years of college, and 2.) the song Champagne High by Sister Hazel - which incidentally is about a guy at a wedding who realized how he missed his chance. So you think you know why this song reminds me of her don't you? You'd be wrong...

You think the song reminds me of her because I somehow think I missed my chance with her? Sorry. Nope. I never asked her on a date because she was in a relationship when I knew her and then she moved. That was pretty much the end of it and I don't feel like I missed anything.

Ok if that isn't it, you think she introduced me to the song? Wrong again. That would be Sara.

But the song does draw my mind to two girls I do feel like I missed my opportunity. I know when I get the save the dates to their weddings I will feel like I am on a "Champagne High."

But the day's irony doesn't end there. I have recently been trying to digitize all the Scrubs episodes for my iPod. Sure enough, the next episode after visiting the mailbox was "My Cold Shower." This is one of my top 5 favorite Scrubs episodes. But it is particularly fitting for the Champagne High moment. Scrubs decided to use Stolen instead of Champagne High in the last scene - probably my favorite scene in all of Scrubs - but I don't blame them, it fits.

That scene is so powerful. That feeling is so raw. Maybe I am the only one. But I understand the emotion in this scene. It's like in Top Gun when Meg Ryan tells Kelly McGillis that there are "hearts broken all over he world tonight...because unless you are a fool that boy is off the market."

Most of you know how devoted I am to work and what I do is pretty much my life. So this next statement should not be taken lightly. If you could tell me, 100% for sure either one of the relationships would work out, I would drop what I do and move there in a second - even if it meant working at McDonald's.

But I have no guarantee either would work out, so I don't do it. Maybe it is because I am not a romantic, and am a realist (*read* cynic). Maybe it's because I am a wuss. Maybe it's because I believe in fate. Maybe it is because I think as soon as I get what I want, I no longer want it. Whatever it is, I stay here in Alpharetta.

But this post isn't about them. It is about singleness. It's about missed opportunity. The realist in me moves on. The realist in me looks for "their qualities" in others. The realist in me knows there will be others, and there will be one that is even better. But then again...here's hoping to Atlanta's job growth and maybe some job will "steal" one of them to Atlanta. Here's hoping. I'll keep a bottle of champagne ready...

I logged into Facebook the other day and came across an interesting news feed. Apparently, even though my Aunt & Uncle had a wedding more than 20 years ago, it wasn't official until December 26, 2007; at least according to Facebook. I hope their first year of marriage is a good one. Finally their bastard children (Julia you better be laughing) have been vindicated. I think I found this all the more ironic because of what happened to me four days earlier...

My (ex-)girlfriend and I broke up three days or so before Christmas. This is now the 9th time in life I have gone through the infamous "breakup conversation" - it's never fun. But two things happened in this breakup that never happened in any other: she changed her Facebook status in the middle of the (2.5 hour!) conversation¹. The most fascinating thing happened because of this: before she even left my house, I had 13 text messages, phone calls, e-mails, or Facebook messages.

All this got me thinking about communication and how it is changing. Out of the 13 communiques, the best by far was where person A saw on Facebook I was "no longer in a relationship." He proceeded to text message person B, who was driving with her sister to South Carolina. Person B then proceeded to text message person C. Person C then left me a voicemail. I was unable to pick up the call due to the fact that all this happened within 10 minutes of the Facebook "change," and as it turned out, I still had about an hour left to the conversation.

But this isn't about breakups, this is about communication, and how it is changing. I came across an article on Newsvine about how computers are writing financial news stories. Why? Because they can publish within .3 seconds of companies' initial post to NYSE & NASDAQ!! This is a huge advantage to hedge traders.

This also makes me reflect on a conversation I was having with a radio friend the other day about how churches and pastors miss the point in communication. Whether good or bad, Americans have about a 7-minute attention span before it "wants" a break². This is largely due to the fact that most TV shows are 21 minutes long and have 9 minutes of advertising per half hour. Yet pastors wonder why when they get up to speak for 30 minutes (which is actually short for most pastors) people are bored and uninterested.

Communication fails to be communication if it doesn't communicate. I know profound! But seriously, think about that. It's a simple point, but often missed in the communication fields. Pastors fail to communicate by failing to change styles because their arrogance makes them think of course people want to listen to them talk for 45 minutes, they are brilliant. It doesn't take Steve Jobs to tell us that newspapers and book are dying off because people aren't reading. Radio is slowly dying as well.

None of these communication forms will ever die off completely. They will just continue to become less relevant unless they change. The challenge for the next wave of ministers and communicators is to look for ways to communicate in a way that is Facebook official.

This past Thursday (September 27, 2007) was Molly's 22nd birthday. We went to The Melting Pot in Birmingham, Alabama. I have never paid so much money to cook my own food. But it was a really, really fun time and the company was breathtakingly beautiful - and you can't beat that combination.

Amidst the conversation, she mentioned to me that she had never had a boyfriend on her birthday before. This didn't really come as a shock given that while I had never thought about this fact, I knew it to be true. But then it got me thinking, out of the 9 previous relationships I have been in, I have never been in a relationship on my girlfriend's birthday. I got close once (even had the gift bought and everything), but we broke up a couple of weeks before (and yes I still gave her the gift). I verbalized this to Molly, expressed that it was actually kind of fun to have a girlfriend on her birthday (doing the whole planning thing, buying the present*, etc..etc...) and then we moved on to something else.

But it was driving home from Birmingham that got me thinking about firsts. This last month and upcoming week have been some huge firsts for me in my life. It was the first time I ever went out to eat with a girlfriend's family, without the girlfriend being with us. It was the first time I left a "real-world" job - one that I had since graduation (I'll blog about it later). It is probably going to the be first time I ever make an offer on a house (sidenote: everybody pray that goes well).

I think it is firsts in life that make life scary & fulfilling all at the same time. Many times I find myself faced with the temptation to avoid firsts. Some firsts are challenging and stressful (*cough* buying a first home). Others are exhilarating and fresh. But all force us to grow. All force us to wake up in the morning and realize that life will not stay the same - no matter how much we enjoy its security. We can either take these firsts head on and make them our own, or we can let these firsts happen to us out of fear and nervousness. Either way the firsts come, the question is what do we do with them?

*For those of you out there that stopped reading after my comment about the gift, here ya go. I got her this rug from Vera Bradley. Now, most people react (including some of her friends) with a look of disgust that I bought her a rug for her birthday. Now hold on. We were driving back from the lake in the middle of August and she was thumbing through an InStyle Magazine and she commented on how she liked the rug. Then, when I was in Fort Wayne (home of Vera Bradley), I swung by the Vera Bradley store and picked it out. Worried that I had the wrong one, I actually drove to Wal-Mart in Huntington to purchase the InStyle Magazine (yeah that didn't make me look gay or anything). Then, realizing I couldn't find the rug (I had the wrong issue), I made a second trip to the Vera Bradley store and went with something that I knew wasn't the one she pointed out, but that matched her room. Thus, the story of her present is complete.

This past month I turned 25. I decided to spend it like I did most of my weekends this summer: down at the beach on Hilton Head Island. It was real low key - and if you know anything about me - that's the way I like my birthdays (isn't that right Patrick ).

I originally sat down to write this while at the condo in Hilton Head, but I got distracted by a beautiful woman who still has 3 years to turn 25, hit save, and haven't touched it since. But I am glad I didn't because it wasn't until this past weekend that I knew what my point was with it, and here it is: I was never suppose to get this old.

This past weekend, Molly's parents and I dropped Molly off at Samford University for her to start her 4th and final year of college (I'll blog about that experience later). The ride home was really quite enjoyable as Molly's parents and I had some great conversation. As we were entering the greater Atlanta area, Molly's mom started talking about how weird it was to drop Molly off this weekend, and her younger sister a couple weekends earlier (actually the weekend I turned 25), and next year they are going to be dropping off their youngest. As we passed over 285 she made the comment, "I was never suppose to get this old." And after reflecting on this further this past week, I have to say that I think she is right.

I am not going to bore you with another discussion on why time proves there is a heaven. If you missed that, you can check it out here. But what I do think after putting some thought into this is how often life tells us exactly what we need to know, yet we ignore it. It is moments like these that God uses to remind us that something is seriously wrong with what we call life. Yet do we notice?

What happened to high school? Remember longing to get your driver's license? Or showing up for the football game to meet friends? Or getting ready for Prom? And then we moved on to college and how many of us woke up the day after graduation, looked in the mirror and just said in that subdued, quasi-depressed tone, "wow, it's over." And if you are reading this and are older than say 25, I am sure you are thinking, this kid doesn't even know the half of it; and you'd be right. I can't even imagine what it is like watching my kid grow up and go to college and start a life on their own and have their own kids just to start the process all over again.

Whether turning 25 or dropping your youngest kid off at college, it is only natural to feel as if something isn't right with the equation. We were suppose to live for eternity. We were created to live outside the bounds of time. But what do we do with that feeling? Do we just get depressed and long to have the moments back? Do we take the opposite approach and start freaking out and attempt to grab every single moment we can while driving everyone else around us nuts? Or do we simply cherish the moments we are currently having because we know they too will be short, but take solace in the idea that one day it will all be corrected? I am not sure how I am going to react, but I do hope these moments always draw me closer to - not further from - my God and my loved ones.

Yes, I know I know, I am doing another "Why I Am Single" post. You are probably getting sick of it. But instead of blaming women, or my dad (which actually were both blaming me, just using the others as examples as to what is wrong with me), this one I am blaming myself directly.

I was recently reading on Newsvine the 10 Reasons Why Smart Guys Are Not Successful With Women. And before Sarah or someone else pipes in and calls me a conceited bastard for thinking I am smart, I was in the top 90th percentile on my SATs, so at least I am a documented conceited bastard. But I digress.

Nine of the ten reasons I thought were crap, but one hit a little too close to home.

Reason #4: They Psych Themselves Out

Smart guys do something that fascinates the hell out of me They come up with all the reasons why everything wont work when it comes to women and dating. They actually figure out why what it is that they would like to do will probably fail

BINGO! I totally sympathize with this. Now I commented on this on Newsvine and someone suggested that I ask 30 girls on dates in 30 days. But I thought, this isn't good advice at all. I don't have a confidence issue (remember, I am a conceited bastard), and I have no problem conversing with "new girls." I don't even really have a problem asking girls out (and being rejected). But even if that were the problem, how does going on 30 dates help that problem. It just postpones the inevitable. Sooner or later I'll figure out why this relationship just can't work and then leave it.

I think one of the reasons I am single relates to why I have a hard time with religion sometimes: I suck at faith and lack of control. There is a certain degree of faith involved in starting a dating relationship. You have to be able to say, hey, I don't have all the answers but I am going to have faith that it will work out.

Jesus said that the best faith is a childlike (not childish) faith, and I think that is true with love. The best example of childlike love is found in 1Corinthians 13:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

In the end I think I need to step out in faith and learn to love unconditionally like 1Corinthians 13 says, or I just might be single the rest of my life.

About three months ago, Sister Hazel magically re-appeared as a dominant force on my music playlist. It's good to have them back. What I have always loved about Sister Hazel is what I typically hate about most bands: they sing about the same thing in all their songs. It seem that, with Sister Hazel, either someone in the band has gone through an incredibly hard break-up in life, which they have never recovered from, or their song writer has. I own 16 songs of theirs; out of the 16 at least 7 of them I interpret to be about this break up (in case you are wondering they are Best I’ll Ever Be, Champaign High, Life Got in the Way, Your Mistake, Killing Me Too, Your Winter, and Hopeless.)

Oddly enough, an 8th song of theirs I own is called Thank You, and it appears to be about a break-up, but the guy is actually glad the relationship has ended. Maybe this is a different girl. However, my theory is that this song was written in the all too common anger stage of the break-up where instead of admitting you want someone back, you get nasty mean. Anyways, I digress.

In college, my roommate had a name for this particular ex-girlfriend in my life. He called her “The One Who Got Away,” and I think the name is accurate. I find this is a common story amongst those who are single and in their 20s. I imagine it gets all the more common in our 30s. This is not to say that we sit around, longing for the day that person will return (although we may not mind that if it works out). No, it has a profoundly different stigma in our life. One I think Sister Hazel and Chuck Klosterman can relate to.

In his book “Killing Yourself to Live” Chuck writes:

“The first girl I loved was someone I knew in sixth grade. Her name was Missy; we talked about horses. The last girl I love will be someone I haven’t even met yet, probably. They all count. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is suppose to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you’ll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there’s still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it always happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people… But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.”
-Killing Yourself to Live (Page 232)

I love how Chuck says this “usually happens retrospectively.” I find this ironic in my own life. As the one girl in life that I have told that I loved, I certainly did not love. Since then, I haven’t told anyone I loved them, including the one girl I most certainly did.

But as Sister’s Hazel says, life gets in the way. We can’t control that. We move along with our lives. Pursue different things. Live in different areas. And ultimately, that template of love is all we have left. But it is still worth it. Every second of the relationship was worth it, and every second with out the relationship has since been worth it. We all need that template. Because when life gets in the way, we at least know what we are longing for and the way life should be. And that gives me hope that one day I will find this love again, and this time, she won’t get away.

For more posts referencing the brilliance that is Chuck Klosterman, click here

It’s day five of Chuck Klosterman week, and today’s passage I have to say is personally the most entertaining of the entire book. The context of “Killing Yourself to Live” is a road trip Chuck takes to different locations of famous music industry deaths. One finds out quickly that this book really isn’t about a road trip, but about his past (and present) love life. Now this I can relate to. Chuck has an imaginary conversation with all of his girlfriends as if they were all riding in the car.

Quincy (Girl #1) says, “The year you spent ‘killing yourself’ to make me love you … I thought that was us being best friends. But you see that kind of behavior as the work you’re forced to do in order to sleep with people you want to sleep with.”
Chuck responds, “That’s not true, I would do anything to go back to that year when we weren’t having sex.”
Quincy responds: “You say that now, but you’d do the same thing if we went back to 1996.”
Lenore (Girl #2) pipes in: “I kind of have to agree with Quincy on this point. Chuck you do tend to repeat the same behavior over and over again, and all you really change is the person involved.”
[Skip ahead]
Dianne (Girl #3) joins the conversation: “Chuck, it really bothers me that you seem fixated on beautiful women in problematic situations, particularly women who are already in serious relationships.”
-Killing Yourself to Live (Page 117-121)

This conversation reminds me of high school. And let me put a little context. My high school dating life had something called the “Big Switch.” Sophomore year I dated someone name Emily, and Adam dated someone named Laura (although there is some dispute on whether or not they “officially” dated, but they did). Then junior year I dated Laura and Adam dated Emily: switch #1 (this is all while someone named Keenan dated someone named Teresa). Now senior year, I dated Teresa, and Keenan dated Laura, switch #2.

Now you say, wow, pretty incestuous, and you assume that we just dated around the circle of friends. But that is the amazing thing about all of this, that wasn’t the case. In fact, none of us were mutual friends (you could argue Emily and Laura were friends because they were both cheerleaders, but there is some dispute about if they were really friends before the “big switch” or because of the “big switch”).

But this was my angst during high school, especially senior year, because my life felt like the imaginary conversation Chuck had with his ex-girlfriends on the road trip.

Now you say, whippedy-do, what does this have to do with me. This all gets back to relationships. Why? Because of this. Jesus said that to understand Him you had to approach him like a child. Now this does not mean that he wants us all to be children for the rest of our lives. No, God designed us to grow and mature. However, as I have gotten older I have realized how true Jesus' words about faith are. The more childlike that faith can be, the “trueer” an expression of faith that really is. And sometimes I think love is like that too. Love never used to be complicated. It never used to play games. It was just love. And while we all need to mature out of high school, sometimes I think we need to de-mature in love.

Thus, parents (and youth ministers) shouldn’t keep high schoolers from dating, but rather use this time to cultivate healthy dating patterns that include trust and accountability. Realize that there is a lot to learn from these relationships about oneself, members of the opposite sex, and life in general. And if all my girls got together, they’d probably agree (or maybe that’s just the imaginary conversation in my head).

P.S. The photo above actually has all three of these girls in the photo. Can you spot them, besides the obvious?

Most of you know I am out in Los Angeles, and on Saturday I was in a good friend of mine's wedding. The wedding was one of the most beautiful I have ever seen and I will try to post photos later. But this trip seems to tell me one thing (besides that being around multiple newly wed couples makes me as as all-get out, but that is another post for another day ): I am quite successful for being 24 years old, but I am lonely.

It was really weird at first. I ran into people I hadn't seen in two years, who I barely even knew in college, and before I could even get done saying, "hey it is great to see you," they would chime in with something along the lines of: "man I have heard you are doing some amazing stuff in Atlanta." The first couple of times this happened, it caught me really off guard (*thinking* I barely remember your name, how the heck do you know the details of my life). After about five or six times of this happening, I got used to it and accepted the fact that somebody out here seems to be talking about what I am doing.

But, just like Newton's third law, the joy I find in being successful at what I do, has the equal and opposite reaction of realizing that I feel alone. Now this isn't a smack in the face by any means. Heck, I admitted this when I was profiled in a magazine article for Azusa Pacific University (see the final question. Side note though, that article misquotes me multiple times). But it still created quite the dichotomy of emotion that I find myself wrestling with a lot on this trip and in life.

I find most of my 20-something friends fit (what I am now calling) Newton's Third Law of Life. Most of the ones who are successful beyond the average (to the point of borderline envy), struggle with their success because their drive to be successful is exactly what keeps them from happy relationships. And those that are in extremely happy and fulfilling relationships (again to the point of borderline envy), struggle with questions related to careers and purpose (this isn't to say they don't like their job per se, or they are not good at what they do, but it just means they fit more in the "average" job category at best, and at worst: really struggle with the issue of purpose/direction/drive/etc in their life).

The only 20-something I know that breaks this modified version of Newton's Third Law is my best friend in the world CJ. CJ is probably the only 20-something that I will admit is more successful than I am (notice I said "admit," that doesn't mean that there aren't others, it just means I am a conceited ), but he also has an amazing marriage, with the most amazing woman I know for (*I think*) 5 years now, and they have a beautiful 21-month old daughter that is the light of my life (so I can't even imagine how much love and joy CJ gets from her).

But CJ is an anomaly and I think shows why the 30s are easier than the 20s. I know many more people that break Newton's Third Law of Life in their 30s. The happily married couple in their 20s, find their purpose and career and balance their life. Most that are in great jobs and positions in their 20s, find that special someone, and by their 30s "settle down" a bit. But this realization still doesn't make going through your 20s any easier.

As I have gotten older, I think more than the white house and the picket fence, this is what I believe the American Dream to be. It is getting to a place that says I am so well balanced in work and in love that I feel secure, purpose-filled, cherished, desired, taken care of, responsible for others and complete that there can't be an equal and opposite reaction because my place is just perfectly balanced in the middle. That, my friends, is what I am longing and praying for.