Andy Borgmann's Blog

I came across an article where Russian President Dmitri Medvedev was blaming the US for the global economic crisis. My first thought was, "ok, so let me get this straight international community: when the economy is good around the world, the US is a greedy, selfish nation, but when the economy is bad, it is America's fault?" We just can't win, huh? I'll leave that at that for now. My second thought was, "being a father is a lot like being America," sometimes, you just can't win.

This drew my thoughts to a conversation we had during production planning a couple of weeks ago. We were talking about doing a show around Father's day, and it instantly turned negative. I piped in and said, "why is it when we do a show on Mother's day, it is about how great moms are. But when we do shows about dads, it's always about their short comings." Let's just do a positive show about dads for once.

It reminds me of this Jeff Foxworthy bit:

I gotta admit, I am a little guilty of that. I might not have been on Oprah (yet), but it doesn't change that I have been disrespectful in the past. This is all the more damning after reading a book by Shaunti Feldhan called For Women Only, where she details that 74% of all men would rather feel alone and unloved than disrespected and inadequate. As a man, it is a sentiment that I would agree with, and a sentiment I realized that many times I have failed to show towards my dad.

I was touched by something Tim Russert said about his dad that I came across this week. Take a listen:

My dad has sacrificed a lot for me to have the life I have. But that isn't what I respect him the most for. So at the risk of getting too long, I am going to list the seven things I respect my dad for the most:

1. Work Hard, Play Hard
   Since before I can remember, and more than I can count, the words, "you work hard, you play hard" have come from the lips of my dad. And frankly, I love it. That simple motto and work ethic has transcended my life more than just about anything else. Combine that with my heavenly Father's instruction to live life to the fullest, completely explains the zeal I have for my job and the zeal I have for life in general.
2. You Will Never Be the Best
   Ok...Ok...to be fair, he never told me that exactly. But when I played Little League, my dad would always say that I would never be the best at baseball, and that nobody I know would be the best. You know what is wonderful about it (besides being right): he never told me I should stop playing. Translate that 10 to 15 years later. Just because I might not be the best at something, doesn't mean that it isn't worth doing or that I don't have value in doing it. Not worrying about being the best, frees one up to just worry about doing their best.
3. I Could Fail and He Always Had My Back
   Let's be honest, I don't ever want to have to move back in with my parents. And they probably don't want me to move back in with them. But I have always known that in the event that I needed to, I always had a place to stay and someone to feed me. Mixed with the work hard / play hard mindset, and the mindset that I don't have to be the best, this security blanket has given me the freedom to risk in all areas of my life, knowing that if I failed, it would be alright. That confidence has effected everything from me buying a home to sticking with a job in uncharted territory, and everything in between.
4. My Own Haircut
   Dad would always lament about how when he was a child his dad always chose his haircuts and how he vowed he would never tell us how to cut our hair. To his credit, we had some pretty crazy hair styles through the years, and I am sure we looked ridiculous, but he never told us we couldn't do it. It was a weird sense of independence and creativity that I think set the foundation for other areas in life. He wasn't happy about my choice in college or major, but he let me make that decision. He wasn't happy about me going and studying in Israel, but he let me make my own decision (and stayed in touch while I was there better than anybody). It wasn't that he just sat idly by and didn't interject his opinion. I had to put up a fight. I had to defend myself. And in the end, I respect him more for that. He wanted me to think about why I was doing things, make sure I understood the potential consequences of my actions, but in the end, left it up to me.
5. The Evil Janitor
   I can still remember it. We were walking into the Memorial Coliseum in Fort Wayne, IN and there he was: our elementary school janitor. He was a mean janitor. We didn't like him very much. So my brother and I started making fun of him for having a second job. I remember the words, "ohh do they not pay you enough at the school" coming out of my mouth. And my dad looked at my brother and I and said, "listen to me, you never make fun of someone for something like that. He's doing what he needs to do to provide for his family and that's respectable." Years later, after mission trips and the like, I realized how important that lesson was. That everyone has value regardless of their class in life.
6. Living in America
   I remember driving home from my first Chicago Cubs game with dad. I think I was in 1st grade (maybe 2nd grade). And we got caught up in a conversation about how fortunate we were to live in the United States of America. We have the freedoms that billions of people would die for and that thousands of people had died for. And while it wasn't said in these exact words, this fortune was something we didn't earn. We were were fortunate to have that blessing.
7. Law Firm Situation
   In the last 10 years, there is probably nothing I respect my dad more for than the situation he went through this last year with his law firm. I am not going to get into all the details. But I saw a man that put his own well-being below that of others in his office. I saw a man who could have taken the easy way out, but chose to stay and do the right thing. I saw a man who took a risk, managed a situation that wasn't his fault, but ultimately did the right thing. It's that kind of integrity that gets missed in all the lawyer jokes and stereotypes (which we all enjoy), but that makes me very proud of him. It inspires me to do the right thing in my work life, and more importantly, it inspires me to realize that sometimes life deals you a crappy hand, but it is up to us to make the best of it.

Thank you dad. I love and respect you very much. I hope you have a great Father's day.

I had to wake up at the ungodly hour of 7:45 am to take a friend to meet another friend to drive to a wedding in South Carolina. Of course, at that hour, I didn't want to talk, I just wanted to listen to the radio. So I turned to News/Talk 750 WSB and sure enough, Boortz was just starting his day.

What did he decide to open his rant about? The catcher who ducked and allowed the pitch to jack the ump in the facemask. Take a look.

Now, what you might not know is that this catcher lost his scholarship to the college he was planning on attending and his high school was fined $1,000 for the incident - which I don't particularly have a problem with. Scholarships are like the free-market: schools don't have any obligation to give them out.

But, of course, old-man Boortz¹ was going on and on about how he agreed with this and how people need to understand there are consequences for their actions. But it is precisely this reason why I think what this catcher did was brilliant.

The motivation for the incident was because they were unhappy with poor calls from the homeplate umpire. Now I was not at the game, so I do not know if this were true or not. But nevertheless, the pitcher & catcher perceived it to be the case, so they took the perceived poor actions of the ump and put some physical consequences to it: they jacked him in the face. Message received.

Now I know I am not the norm. I actually have no problem with Tony Stewart or Danica Patrick getting into a fight with a fellow auto racer who just put them into a wall. Or a bench clearing brawl when some pitcher jacked a batter in the head. Or two hockey players going at it because one hockey player told another hockey player his toothless smile was ugly. But this goes beyond sports...

We are a wussified country (yes I know I just made up a word). The same mentality that doesn't understand the importance of the Iraq War, or why the coddled generation is now in the workforce but thinks they are lazy, or that allows the seatbelt law to be in effect, is the same mentality that says "safety at all costs." We are trying to remove all consequence from actions. We want to be a white, vanilla, bland culture that's greatest virtue is safety and cordiality. We are a nations of pansies.

Not I though. I will take pride in the American history of sometimes saying, enough is enough, and because of your actions, there will now be physical consequences. Now, where's the nearest umpire...

It seems like a weird way to title a post about a child hanging on for life, you know? The Good Life? Really? I mean come on. CJ and Andrea are basically staying in a community house, 900 miles from home, and separated from their two year old daughter. I am staying in a Motel 6; five miles down the road. How is this the good life?

It seems weird, and I of course can't speak for CJ and Andrea, but this past week has been a reminder of the good life for me.

This past week, we have seen all that is good about the human race. CJ's company rallying around him. The owner of the company sending the jet to pick CJ and I up. Andrea's family racing down to help. A newborn baby, not only surviving an early birth, but doing better than expected.

But even amidst all the great examples of humanity living up to its divine potential, it is also the small moments this week that have been such a reminder of the good life...

Running to Sonic for a late night slushy and laughing all the way there...

Driving from Hilton Head to Charleston and making goofy videos on the laptop...

Talking about how all the nurse's have got to be confused at this point at the three of ours special relationship...

It almost feels like high school youth group all over again. Who would have thought 11 years ago, amidst having babies, buying houses, making money and "growing up," we would still be enjoying the simple things about our friendship.

And then of course there is Target. Andrea has been walking too much and needed a wheelchair. But when she gets up to look at stuff, CJ and I hop in to goof around. So of course he convinces me that I can lean back in the chair and won't fall backwards. Well, take a look...

You can even hear Andrea two aisles over in the background saying, "You okay there Andy?"

It's truly been a good week, and I got what I asked for, a great story.

The lyrics don't exactly fit our situation, but when I think of the overall mood and theme of this week, Francis Dunnery's Good Life is playing in the background.

I am so tired. I am not sure if I have ever been this tired. Today was just exhausting.

Today started around 9 am. I worked for a couple of hours to get last nights show up on the web. We then cleaned the condo. Filled, then waited a half hour, to pick up Andrea's meds. Then picked Andrea up. Then spent an hour in a McDonalds. Then spent two hours at Target. It wasn't until 3:30 that we were on the road from Hilton Head to Charleston.

It was at this point I almost freaked out. I don't mind being on the road. I don't mind change. What I hate is transition. It took us forever to get off the island, and that drives me nuts. But the journey continues...

Two hours of driving in caravan - which we all know I am lead footed and am awful at driving in caravan. I actually am convinced it takes more energy on my part and I am more dangerous driving in that situation.

All this time trying to organize a live, talk radio from an iPhone.

Then we got to Charleston. Got Andrea and CJ checked into the Ronald McDonald house. Then headed over to the hospital. Andrea and CJ went up to NICU and myself, Nancy (Andrea's mom), and Chuck (Andrea's Mom's Boyfriend) took care of Jadyn and got dinner. It is at this point I also try and figure out what lodging options I have for the evening.

CJ and Andrea came down and we ran to get Andrea dinner. We then got into a fight with the Wendy's guy through the intercom. We got back and Andrea took Nancy up to see Asher. Hour or so later they come down. It is like 9:00 pm at this point.

So why do I go into this much (too much?) detail. Because I am exhausted and I wanted you to feel the exhaustion? Sort of...

But here's the deal. At this point CJ and I go up to see Asher and seeing that tiny, 5 lb baby boy, on a bunch of machines, and stroking his hair, and rubbing his stomach, and talking to him, and telling him about teaching him to wakeboard in the future, and sharing that moment with CJ as his new little buddy was getting stronger...man...it was worth all exhaustion in a way I can't explain.

For those that want the update. The nurse said they are going to try and take him off of oxygen tonight. It's a big step, but they feel he's ready for it (only 48 hours after being born). We'll know more tomorrow - and I am really looking forward to seeing the little guy again.

Today started like any other day at Hilton Head. Woke up. Put swim suits on. Went to the beach. Had a baby...

What?

Had a baby?

Ok, that never happened before.

It was about 5pm and we were getting ready to go to a nice dinner for our last night of vacation and Andrea started to have some pain. So she called her doctor in Indiana. Well her doctor told her everything was probably fine, but to swing by the hospital to confirm.

Two hours in the hospital and it is confirmed: she's having the baby tonight. A whole two months early!!!

I take a screaming Jadyn (who wants her mommy) home and put her to bed, we read Little Mermaid. And now I am scrounging around, trying to get everything ready for the show tomorrow night, a show I probably won't be at.

But it's weird, ya know. I always thought the first person I would drive to the hospital to have a baby would be my wife, or at least my own child.

But in a unique way I feel like it is partly my child. Just four days earlier, while standing on the beach, CJ turned to me and said, "you want to be the first to know what the name of the child is? Asher James. Andrea doesn't even know that I have picked it yet." Who knew, four days later, and two months early, he would be here.

Andrea is most likely going to be moved to Charleston, SC tomorrow, and her and Asher are going to have to be there for three weeks. I am trying to convince them to move her to Savannah instead because the access is so much easier for everybody up north (and me in Atlanta). But we'll see.

That's about it from here. I have done a lot of stuff with my 20 years at Hilton Head. But having a baby is definitely a first.

UPDATE
Asher's First Video

One of the key sponsors of the conference Allen and I just left was The Kim Komando Show. If you don't know who that is, she does a "technology" talk radio show. It's mildly informative. But her appeal is that she is sexy (sort of...ok not really, but you can tell she thinks she is).

Anyways...so she's hosting this luncheon and sure enough, it is like the sorority house at Arizona State University let out and the babes are just everywhere. It went from a conference of balding, fat, old men in their 50s to American Pie Beta House. She even went as far as putting one girl with very nice breasts (yeah I noticed, leave me alone) in a very nice, but provocative formal dress that had a slit up to the middle of her thigh with her boobs hanging out. As you can imagine, with a conference full of men, it was a huge success (even though her talk was mediocre).

Right as Kim's talk was about to start, Allen mentions to Phil about how there are all these young girls around and maybe Andy will find a date. I, hardly amused, say, "that would never work out", and get back to what I was doing. Allen then says, "I think Andy's gay." So why are you wrapping up your series on Lori Gottlieb's article Marry Him! with this. Simple...

My conclusion after spending nearly two weeks thinking about this is that I think Gottlieb is right and wrong. She is right for woman. You should probably settle. But she is wrong for men. I know. Super sexist huh? But it is true.

I say this for two reasons. It is unfair, but true, that women have more of a deadline facing them in the event that they are looking to have a family. Gottlieb goes into great detail on why this is true.

But my reasoning is not simply biological. It is sociological as well. Woman have an uncanny ability in dealing with disappointment. If marriage isn't what they thought it was, or their husband doesn't turn into John Cusack, they deal with it. I sincerely envy women because of this.

Men on the other hand don't. I am not saying this is good. I am not saying they shouldn't work on it. But the fact is, men are awful at dealing with disappointment in relationships. Hence the reason a majority of divorces are due to men looking for what they feel they missed in getting married. Therefore men should pay particular attention to what they are looking for in a marriage when they are dating and stick to it.

So what does this have to do with ASU sorority girls above? Simple. I am not gay. I am persistent. I am not settling for anything that won't realistically work out in the long run. And while I can never be John Cusack in Say Anything, and the sex probably won't be like Aaron Eckhart and Katie Holmes in Thank You For Smoking, I still have what I am looking for, and not settling for anything less.

So if there are any fun, cute girls, who are cool being in ministry, look forward to having an adventurous sex life, love Jesus, love to travel, and are pretty independent looking to settle, feel free to shoot me an e-mail (extra bonus points if you have blond hair ).

I hate the grocery store. I usually go once a month. The longest time inbetween grocery store trips on record since moving to Georgia is three months. I have to say, and as sexists as this sounds, I look forward to getting married in hopes that I never have to go to the grocery store again. But the grocery store has one positive, and no it isn't the lonely, single girls who think the grocery store is a great place to pick up guys (it isn't). The #1 best thing about the grocery store: I can still push the cart through the store and ride on it like superman. Immature? Absolutely. But this brings me to a profound thought: I am glad I don't have ovaries...

Welcome to part 4 of my series on Marry Him! an article written by Lori Gottlieb in the magazine The Atlantic.

By the time 35th-birthday-brunch celebrations roll around for still-single women, serious, irreversible life issues masquerading as “jokes” creep into public conversation: Well, I don’t feel old, but my eggs sure do!

This is the universally unfair deal breaker that truly proves it is harder to be a woman than a man. Like the picture above, a single man in his 30s has relatively little worry about his singleness. He still has plenty of time to start his family Better yet, not only can he start a family, men seem to get more attractive to woman as they age, so he will be able to find a woman to start a family with. Thus, the man is free to go strolling through the grocery store like superman.

But it isn't quite true for his potential equal half. In contrast, a single woman in her 30s knows full well that her time to create the family she always dreamed of is coming to a quicker end than she would like. In addition to that, the older she gets, the less attractive and interesting she is to members of the opposite sex. It's a lose, lose. She isn't free to approach her 30s as an free wheeling time to go romping through grocery stores. She has a clock and a calendar to worry about.

I am not saying it is fair. In fact, I wish it weren't the case. I truly mean that. If I had any say, there would be some equalizing factor that would allow a woman to act like superwoman, or at least bring men down a peg. But the truth is the truth, and that is what we deal with here. No matter how hard it is to accept.

So where does this leave us. Well, in an unprecedented move, I am splitting Lori Gottlieb's score. She gets a point for the "woman" side, but does not get a point for the male side. This leaves her score 2-2 for woman, and 1-3 for men.

Which brings me back to the question at hand: is Lori Gottlieb right? Should we be much more willing to settle for love? You'll have to tune in tomorrow for my conclusion, but I'll give you a hint: the aforementioned score tally should indicate where I am landing and I may never get a date after this.

I once got into a heated argument in a restaurant in Elat, Israel on whether or not chick flicks were as damaging to relationships as porn. My position: yes! In fact, it is worse because chick flicks are more subtle...

Welcome to part 3 of my series on Marry Him! an article written by Lori Gottlieb in the magazine The Atlantic.

In my formative years, romance was John Cusack and Ione Skye in Say Anything.

What fascinates me is she uses the same person as my favorite writer Chuck Klosterman in Sex, Drugs & Cocoa Puffs

If Cusack and I were competing for the same woman, I could easily accept losing. However, I don't really feel like John and I were "competing" for the girl I'm referring to, inasmuch as her relationship to Cusack was confined to watching him as a two-dimensional projection pretending to be characters who don't actually exist.
Page 2, Sex, Drugs & Cocoa Puffs

As a single, 20-something man who has a bit of an ego and no problem asking women out, I completely understand what he is saying. In the marketplace of "dating," I can't compete with Say Anything. I don't compare with Matthew McConaughey in How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days. And if they were real people, really "competing" for the same woman, like Chuck, I wouldn't mind losing to them. But they aren't real! And you know full well the real John and Matt would make awful boyfriends and worse husbands.

And before you respond, "ohh I like those movies, but I don't expect that in real life," all I have to say is bull crap! Chuck is correct again when he writes:

[men and women] will both measure our relationship against the prospect of fake love...The main problem with mass media is that it makes it impossible to fall in love with any acumen of normalcy.
Page 3-4, Sex, Drugs, & Cocoa Puffs

A couple of months ago or so I had a conversation at Starbucks with one of my "Stolen" girls. She is smart, funny, attractive, successful, ambitious; simply put: she is amazing. But she said something that floored me. She signed up for internet dating. What!? She even made the statement that, modesty aside, she thought her and [a couple of her friends] were real "catches" but they never get pursued. They don't get asked out.

And while, yes, I will beat up on men for becoming wusses (especially within the church), I have to say they have some justification in being wusses given that the perceived expectation is so high. Which brings me back to Gottlieb's comment on settling...

Based on my observations, in fact, settling will probably make you happier in the long run, since many of those who marry with great expectations become more disillusioned with each passing year.

I have to give her the point for today (if you are keeping track, settling is up on not-settling 2 to 1). I sometimes think I would be happier abandoning my expectations because I have come to realize these expectations are built on fictionist fantasies. It isn't that I don't want to find true love, it just seems that true love is fundamentally different than what we have seen. And just as I don't expect my wife to be Pamela Anderson, I shouldn't have to be John Cusack.

You are given two options:

Option #1: You get married. Have a great family. Love your kids. Love your wife. For the most part, your life is full and complete. You are content. But here is the catch: there is little or no passion in your life. It's boring.

Option #2: You have an incredibly passionate life. You are successful with your work, you pursue your interests, and you have wonderful friends. Life is rarely dull, but you never get married.

Which do you choose...

Welcome to part 2 of my series on Marry Him! an article written by Lori Gottlieb in the magazine The Atlantic.

Here's the unfortunate thing about the above scenario. Most of us don't get to pick, it just sort of happens. But if you could pick, which would you? I think Gottlieb would pick option #1 and here's why...

Once you’re married, it’s not about whom you want to go on vacation with; it’s about whom you want to run a household with. Marriage isn’t a passion-fest; it’s more like a partnership formed to run a very small, mundane, and often boring nonprofit business. And I mean this in a good way.

This is about the most disappointing thing I think I read in the article. As Allen said to me, "you're never going to get married now are you?"

But I want my cake and eat it to. I want option #1 and #2. And (for now) I won't settle for less. So I continue to search. But will anybody I find out there be any better than anybody else I have previously dated?

...while Rachel and her supposed soul mate, Ross, finally get together (for the umpteenth time) in the finale of Friends, do we feel confident that she’ll be happier with Ross than she would have been had she settled down with Barry, the [boring] orthodontist, 10 years earlier?

Here's the catch. I think we do think she will be happier with Ross because we project our own theoretical happiness on their relationship. But in reality, if this were the real world, she wouldn't be.

So what is the point to dating and searching for "the one?" I find that all of my past relationships have failed because of one of four reasons (which I will explain more later this week). Is there a point in looking for someone who meets all four? Will it make me any happier than someone with three?

I don't know the answer to it. And even though she probably deserves it, I won't give Gottlieb the point on this one. I just can't. I am 25 and I am going to hold onto the idea that marriage is more than a boring nonprofit. I at least hold onto hope that it is a sexy, exciting nonprofit, and I am going to keep looking for someone to give my tax deductible "donations" to.

On our way to Phoenix, Allen threw an issue of The Atlantic at me and told me to read an article titled Marry Him! by Lori Gottlieb. It's long, but it's well worth the read.

Here's the brief synopsis of the "feminist" writer (picture Carrie Bradshaw): she decide she was getting too old to have a baby the "traditional way" because she couldn't settle on a husband, so she was artificially inseminated. The realization that followed was that she wishes she just would have settled and got married to one of the men she dated in her 30s. That's hardly a romantic position. That's hardly a feminist position. And it is a position I am not sure if I am comfortable with. But I do think the article is profound in many ways...

Of course, we’d be loath to admit it in this day and age, but ask any soul-baring 40-year-old single heterosexual woman what she most longs for in life, and she probably won’t tell you it’s a better career or a smaller waistline or a bigger apartment. Most likely, she’ll say that what she really wants is a husband (and, by extension, a child).

I am not 40. I know, brilliant. I am not a woman. Even more brilliant. I have no clue if this is true or not. But I believe her. It's kind of like that old adage you never see a tombstone with, "I wish I spent more time at the office" written on it. Humans desire the companionship of marriage (and by extension, a family) more than anything else.

It's like in the Bible where Paul talks about staying single unless you can't control the "passion" inside. Most pastor's will teach the passion is in reference to sexual desire. I think those pastor's fundamentally miss what Paul is talking about. It seems more likely he's talking about companionship. He's talking about knowing someone so intimately that the relationship transcends all other relationships. And when you think about it, that's harder to abstain from than sexual pleasure.

So she continues...

Is it better to be alone, or to settle?

[married woman], like me, would rather feel alone in a marriage than actually be alone, because they, like me, realize that marriage ultimately isn’t about cosmic connection...

I found this interesting because of an all female chapel I sat through at APU. I was the only man in the room of some 1,200 college females (and I still couldn't get a date, but to my credit, I was in an invisible room directing the event). But one of the speakers was doing a Q&A about being single in her 40s and someone asked simply, "aren't you ever lonely?"

Her response was simple and it stuck with me. "Sure I get lonely, but so do my married friends."

I have often reflected on that statement over the years and found solace in the idea that the loneliness that comes with singleness doesn't go away in marriage, it just mutates. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that being single and lonely isn't any different than being married and lonely. At least being single I can travel the world, right?

But Lori's article got me rethinking this whole position. Because 4.5 years later I think she is right. Every single person I know past the age of 23 (except one) would probably admit they desire a full marriage relationship, even when they acknowledge that marriage is hard.

But there are no married people I know who want to leave a marriage because it is lonely (they may want to leave for other reasons, but loneliness is not it). Therefore, there must be something fundamentally different, and secondary, to the loneliness found in marriage when compared to the loneliness found in singleness.

So far, Lori wins 1 point on should I settle or should I not. Lets see what the rest of the week brings, but I promise she won't win them all...