Andy Borgmann's Blog

"What are you going to talk about, 'umm...what's your favorite position?'" That was the question posed by my associate Mickey when I told him I was going to have lunch on Thursday with a porn producer here in Atlanta (small side note, the lunch was also suppose to include a prominent, high-class call girl here in Atlanta as well, but she had to duck out at the last minute).

Needless to say it was quite an interesting lunch, and it is one of the things I love most about my job: I can actually find people outside of the church. Now Mike (name of the guy) is a good guy, despite his obvious - in my opinion - immoral job choice. And before you wonder, yes, he knows that I think his job choice is immoral.

But I have long abandoned the days where one life choice makes you any worse of a person than anybody else. Now, one could say that, "Andy, so are you saying that we all are 'good' people and therefore in God's good favor regardless of our life decisions." Not at all. Ultimately, in the end, I still have to believe that the only saving grace for any of us is a relationship with Jesus Christ - and therefore the lack of relationship with Jesus Christ is ultimately humanity's downfall.

BUT, with all that said, that doesn't mean we can't get along, it doesn't mean we can't learn from each other, and it certainly doesn't mean that as Christians, we shouldn't engage in thorough, purpose-filled conversation with people we don't necessarily see things eye to eye.

In a short, hour conversation at an Applebee's in Tucker, GA, I learned a lot, and I enjoyed a new friendship. I don't think this is where Mike and I's relationship will end, and I am pretty sure we both can learn a lot from each other.

This I feel is one of the hardest things to convince both Christians and non-Christians alike. Get out of your comfort zone. If you are a conservative individual, how often do you converse with someone who is liberal - and vice versa. If you are a "traditionally moral individual," how often do you talk with someone in the sex industry, or a homosexual. If you are a Christian, how often do you converse with a Muslim, or an atheist.

The shocking point about Jesus is that he spent more time with prostitutes, than religious folks. We forget that a lot in the church. It all becomes about our click, our group, our fellowship. So to answer the question, my favorite position is one where I am always learning from others - especially those who don't think like me - that is a great position to be in (although I don't know for sure, but I think the butterfly position looks pretty fun as well ;-) ).

P.S. I promise I won't do anything on porn for a while given the past week of porn entries.

Drum roll please...duh duh duh...we have finally come to the end of the series on pornography. But I have forgotten two very important elements: what does God have to say about all this and what can I do to help myself with this struggle.

I feel like I have tried to answer the question, why is pornography wrong, from a secular perspective up until this point. But ultimately, I have to get to the reason why it is wrong: because I believe using pornography involves lust and I think God has made it clear even lustful thoughts are wrong.

Now, here's the difficulty, how do you define lust? Either the people listening to Jesus thought it was so obvious what lust was, or they were too afraid to ask, because in the Bible it appears that they bought what he had to say about it. But most of us, in the 21st century, start wondering how do you really define lust. So I am going to try.

Jesus said in Matthew 5:27-29

You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.

The key here in my mind is that lust is defined as thinking or acting sexually with another woman that is not your wife (and inverse for all the ladies). Now what Jesus did not say was that sexual thoughts were wrong - and that's important. But it my mind it is the act of taking those sexual thoughts and applying them to a person that is not a spouse.

It might seem subtle, but I think the distinction is important. After reading Steve Gerali's The Struggle I have really struggled (ha!) with his basic premise that masturbation might not be wrong. Now I am good friends with Steve and we have had many conversations about this together. He supports himself in saying that masturbation does not have to include lust, because it does not have to include lustful thoughts about someone.

Now I don't have time to blog about masturbation (maybe for another day), but I think the thought is an interesting one. If I can think about sex, but not about anyone in particular, is it still lust. I have to say, after years of thought: no.

Now back to porn. Porn always involves someone. Now, you might say, yeah but they are just random people on the internet. Here's the point: they still are people. They are still someone's sister, or daughter, or friend. They still have a soul, a life, a destiny. And for whatever reason the model has decided to pose (or act), there is a spiritual connection between the person in pornography and the person using pornography.

One quick story that I think will help illustrate this point before I move on to my tips (and I am sorry if this is too graphic for you). When I was 13 or so and exploring my sexuality, I didn't have a lot of porn to use and one thing that I remember being very "attracted" to was Amanda Beard in the Summer Olympics - ahh those tight bathing suits. So needless to say, I explored my "sexuality" while fantasizing about her. Figuring, like most do with porn, that this person isn't a "real" person in my life and she's just on the tv. Now, fast forward about 8 years and sure enough, I am in a position to meet (and spend some short amount of time) with Amanda. Now, I of course did not divulge what I shared in this blog with her, we talked about her new Olympic victories in Sydney. But it did drive home the point that day, and I remember thinking this, that wow, Amanda is a real person. And so too are the porn models - and that is an important thing to remember.

Alright, now for the tips on how to deal with a porn struggle:

1. Be open and honest with people about this struggle. Sure you don't have to post it on your website ;-) - but don't let this struggle consume you in private. Find some friends to talk about it with. Trust me, there are a lot of us out there dealing with this, and if you run into someone who doesn't want to help, or "thinks its gross", etc...say that's cool and find someone else. I have had great, open, honest, and raw accountability in my life from the time I was 17 and let me tell you it is necessary.
2. As Jesus said, if your hand causes you to sin, cut it off, and if your eye causes you to sin gouge it out. Now I am not saying you should take this literally (or else a lot of us would be blind and with out hands). But what I do think is important is take any measure you need to, to help overcome this.
3. This brings me to my next point. Don't have internet at home. WHAT?!?! I know, this is coming from a guy who is a web programmer and makes a living off of what he does on the web. But I am telling you, if this is a problem (and especially if you are single) just don't have internet at home. I didn't have internet in my home here in GA for the first 12 months. It is doable
4. I have never used it, but many have told me how much a program like Covenant Eyes www.covenanteyes.com has helped. Now it kind of goes a lot with point number 1, because you have to be willing to be accountable, but if you are willing to be accountable, it might be of great help.
5. Check out other resources at http://www.xxxchurch.com

Well, the series is finally over. And as I type this, I am now late for lunch with a porn producer, Atlanta's largest - Mike South (how's that for a way to end the series). I'll blog about that experience sometime later. Sorry it took me so long, but hopefully you find it helpful.

WOW! I KNOW! It took me a long time to wrap this one up. And I stopped in a particularly awkward place for three months. But it is a good thing I stopped when I did, because I would have just wrapped this sucker up and moved on and it would have sucked.

I work crazy hours normally, and November & December are the worst. So right after our Christmas Eve service (we are talking 12:10 am on Christmas morning), I left for Indiana. For the next two weeks I did very little besides hang out with friends, play with Jadyn, and relax. It was great. I also picked up the new book of one of my favorite writers, Chuck Klosterman, entitled Chuck Klosterman IV. As always, it was incredibly insightful, particularly to the conversation we are having about pornography. I call this, this Steven Tyler’s Surrender:

In 2002, I interviewed Aerosmith's Steven Tyler about drugs and groupies, and he said something along the lines of, "Having sex with the same woman a thousand times is way more interesting than having a thousand one-night stands with a thousand different women, because those one-night stands are all the same."...Every aging rock god (except maybe Gene Simmons) eventually comes to this same conclusion; in fact, anyone (famous or not) who decides to get married is unknowingly agreeing with Steven Tyler. At some point, most people decide that sleeping with the same person improves the quality of their life, even though it eliminates romantic choice. We all unconsciously understand this. However, nobody consciously believes this is true until after the fact. If you ask any single man if he'd prefer to (a) have sex with a thousand different women or (b) have sex with one woman a thousand times, he will always stake option "a", even though he knows this decision is virtually guaranteed to make him feel awkward and alone.

Chuck Klosterman IV (page 210-211)

I could pretty much just let you read that, and it would say enough. But I am too stupid to stop there. This communicates what I was talking about in the previous post way better than what I said. And here's why: Steven Tyler's reputation. If anyone should know the "glory" of sleeping with thousands of different women, it would be Steven Tyler. But here, you have an aged rocker, admitting something so universally true, and so reputatiously alarming, that there is little you can say to disagree.

I think porn is like this. As I have admitted earlier in this post, I have seen thousands of images of porn. And I agree with Steven that, in the end, they are all the same. Really porn is just the allure of the interesting, but in actuality it is pretty dull and only alludes to the truly interesting, a healthy, fun, erotic, monogamous relationship with the same person for many, many years.

The question is going to be, am I going to be like Steven in continuing to feel akward and alone, or am I going to strive to live my life in full realization and trust that the God who created sex, knows how best to "do it" and surrender my life to Him.

Still to come:
Sat - What God has to say and steps to avoid using porn

P.S. I included the date of this post back in the August "week" so that when people read it in the archive, they won't notice there was 3-month gap between posts (until they read this of course).

P.P.S. For more incredible observations from Chuck Klosterman, and my theological insight related to it, click here

Also, If you haven't read all the posts on pornography, you need to start at the beginning or else you won't get the full understanding of where I am coming from with this post. Click here

If you ask a pastor to tell you what is wrong with pornography but on the condition that he cannot refer to scripture, 99.9% of the time this is what comes out next: “Pornography is wrong because it destroys relationships.” I usually follow up with this question: “yeah, but what if it doesn’t. What if someone’s partner is cool with it.” The pastor responds, “I wouldn’t believe her.” Here’s my problem: I have had this conversations with people and when they tell me this, I do believe them. But I am still not ready to concede that porn is ok, even for these people, so I am compelled to dive further to find the real reason porn is wrong in all situations.

Before I go any further I should say this. There are people out there (mostly women) with certain insecurity issues that would say they are “cool with it,” but deep inside not be. One might even be able to say the majority of the people who do say they don’t mind their partner looking at porn qualify for this group. But that still does not negate the potential scenario, nor answer the question why porn is wrong. But I digress.

The other week, the Atlanta-based porn producer Mike South contacted the show. In dialogue with him, he revealed the fact he has had many relationships with people “not in the industry” and they have been cool with his profession and his personal use of pornography. In addition to that, I have a friend, lets call her Linda (no its not my mom), who knows her boyfriend looks at porn, and she too is cool with that. She isn’t insecure about it. She knows she can still please her man, and that her man is very pleased with her (I am not condoning their extra-marital relationship, but it is what it is).

Here’s my problem. Take for example this scenario. I go on a date with my (*cough* non-existent) girlfriend. We go to a movie with Jennifer Anniston in it. We walk out the movie and somehow Jennifer’s attractiveness gets brought up. I then proceed to make the comment, “yeah, Jennifer is hot.” Now about 20% of my past girlfriends would probably have a problem with this statement. But 80% would not. They aren’t threatened by my observations towards Jen. They don’t associate my observations about Jen to mean that I don’t think they are hot. It just is what it is. This is the reason that I actually do believe some when they tell me that it isn’t a big deal if their partner participates with pornography. We all have an ability to internally decide what we are or are not threatened by.

But I still will not say it is right, and here is why. I am not someone who says sex has to 100% of the time be selfless, even though I know there are those out there that think that is the definition of healthy sexuality. I just don’t see how that works. But, sex, like all things in a relationship are about give and take. Sometimes you give more than you take, and other times you take more than you give. The heart of pornography is using it to achieve sexual satisfaction where you are always the one taking. This sets a pattern in one’s life that establishes subconsciously that sex is all about them. Now, this may or may not have consequences in the bedroom. But lets for example say it doesn’t. Lets say for example it actually heightens the bedroom experience (as some claim). The problem I see is that it still robs a relationship of a true partnership in the bedroom. It robs it of its eroticism. It robs it of its fun. It robs it of its struggle. It robs the full experience.

In the end, I don’t think porn is wrong because it destroys relationships, but rather I think porn is wrong because it prevents relationships to be lived to the fullest. This is subtle, but important. Jesus said, “life is to be lived to the fullest,” and Steve Gerali says, “since the brain is the primary sex organ, sex must be learned.” Take celebrities for a second. Better yet, take crazy rich kids who are heirs to huge amounts of money. Better yet, take Paris Hilton. She lives a life in a constant state of highness (both with or with out drugs). Her whole life is centered around attaining the most popularity, the most prestige, the most influence and constantly experiencing the most pleasure. The sad truth of the matter is that her attempts to attain only the positive enable her to miss huge amounts of life that are truly valuable: the low points.

None of us like these points. And many of us would think that our lives would not be destroyed if we never had them again (just as I don’t think porn by default destroys relationships). But I guarantee Paris is missing out on parts of life that are truly valuable, and those engaged with pornography are also missing out on parts of sexuality that are truly valuable. Why? Because they are cheating the communal, learning experience sex should be with one’s partner. Even those that use “porn together” to learn stuff are still cheating the experience. It is like cheating on a test in class. If you copy someone’s answers, sure you might get the grade you want, you may even be able to commit that information into long term memory, but the journey, the thrill of learning is bypassed and cheated.

For me, I want my sexual relationship (whenever that comes) to be full, and not tainted. I want the highs, I want the lows, and I want the in-between, and nothing should get in the way of that.

Fri: What God Has To Say
Sat: Methods That Help

Also, If you haven't read all the posts on pornography, you need to start at the beginning or else you won't get the full understanding of where I am coming from with this post. Click here

The rise in pornography use over the past 15 years is attributed to one thing: the internet. But to blame the internet for this rise is really quite ridiculous. Why? Because the internet doesn't force anyone to do anything. First the blame should first reside with those of us who "demand it." But to just leave it there doesn't make much sense either because people haven't really changed, so why has the demand increased? Because of what the internet allows for us to do, and what the internet allows for porn producers to provide.

Before I continue I should say that what I am about to type are not justifications for using pornography. They are reasons internet porn has increased the usage by everyday Americans...Americans that 30 years ago would not have thought of buying a Playboy. The reasons are very male centered. I wish I would write from a female perspective (especially with the stats that show massive increase in female usage), but I can't. So alas, I am just going to write about what I know - maybe for the first time. But I digress.

The way I see it there are four reasons porn is better than sex.

1.) It requires no commitment whatsoever, and on the surface appears to have no baggage. You can access it when you want. If you are too tired, that's cool, you don't have to do it. Your "partner" in this excursion is never "too" tired. She is always ready and available. When your done: she doesn't want to talk, she doesn't want to snuggle, she doesn't want anything. You just turn her off and go about doing (usually sleep) whatever it is that you want to do. There are no phone calls in the morning. There is no expectation of life change. It is all about attaining pleasure and moving on - there's nothing to commit to.

2.) It's super easy to find, which means it takes no effort to attain. There are no awkward pick-up lines. There are no "am I looking" outside my league type of feelings. For those that believe in sexual purity before marriage, there is no long (did I say long...) wait until pleasure can be attained. (Usually) No one even knows you are doing it, so it is private! In a matter of seconds I can have any girl, scenario, act, etc...it's super easy.

3.) It's anything and everything you could ever want, how you want it, when you want it, and often with illogical ability to have "different stuff" at different times. This is where it gets crazy. Internet porn allows for any of your wildest fantasies to come true...and beyond that, often times more than one of your fantasies to come true at the same time (which is totally illogical). If I want to be sleeping with a cheerleader, while receiving a blow-job from some sorority girl, while eating-out some girl you have seen at work, while having pool sex, that is all logically possible inside the brilliant imagination of the human mind - while just logistically impossible in reality. Porn images heighten this experience.

4.) Internet porn is typically average looking woman. I think this is the most profound point and I stole this from Chuck Klosterman and I left my book at home so I can't quote him. BUT...Playboy were always these GORGEOUS women (ones most of us would never come in contact with on a daily basis) in strange, exotic situations (which we wouldn't visit). Internet porn changed all this. It took (usually) attractive, but not gorgeous women (ones we see everyday) and put them in situations that we are in everyday. If you have a girl at the office you fantasize about, you can probably find something similar to her on the web. If there is a girl in a class you like, there is something on the web you can find that looks like her and puts her in a situation you would find her in. I think ultimately this leads to the subconscious reason porn is wrong (which we'll get to on Friday), but for now we should recognize that because of its normalcy, porn attracts normal people.

None of these reasons justify the usage of pornography. All of them are built under the false pretense that sex should be about me attaining maximum pleasure at any cost, and with no regard to my partner. There is nothing wrong with sex being pleasurable. But just like eating (remember the cheeseburger) cannot solely be understood as attaining pleasure at all costs, so too, healthy sexuality must recognize that there are limits (and consequences) when looking outside the boundaries of sex's design to attain pleasure. We'll get more into why this is later, but first we need to understand that porn's growth is due to its overall normalcy.

Upcoming:
Thus: What If My Partner Doesn't Care
Fri: What God Has To Say
Sat: Methods That Help

Porn is nothing new, but since the advent of the internet, it seems to have built huge momentum. For the rest of the week, we are going to look at pornography from all angles, including some many of you probably have never considered.

I should make a serious digression point here. I am stating for the record that I am a hypocrite when it comes to this issue. As you will see over the course of the week, I will take a very strong moral stance on pornography. However, I struggle very hard with this issue. In the past 15 months I have viewed pornography 7 times. Now some of you (probably women) think that is a disgusting amount. Others of you (probably men) think that I am bragging that I have only done it 7 times. The truth is probably somewhere in between. But all of what I am about to say should be with the understanding that I too struggle with this issue. I know I have done wrong, but that still doesn't change the absolute truth of this issue. C.S. Lewis says "you can't judge a coat by the person who wears it," and I am saying, "that you can't judge an issue by the person who practices it." But I digress.

I came across a study recently that says 50% of Christian men and 20% of Christian women use porn (that number is actually 34% according to another study). When all women are considered this number jumps to 53% (and believe it or not I could not find a statistic on the percentage of men viewing porn, probably because it is 99%). 25% of all internet searches are for porn. 77% of online visitors to adult content sites are male. Their average age is 41 and they have an annual income of $60,000. 46% are married.

Now I am going to tell you something that I don't think anyone will ever say. It may mean I am wrong - however, I think until we honestly face up to the issue we are never going to be able to deal with it, so it needs to be said. I think the reason porn is such a strong factor in our society is because for many it is better than sex. I know, most of you want to ring my neck for saying that. And given the fact that I am still ("technically") a virgin, should be all the more reason to believe I don't know what I am talking about, right? But before you discount me, maybe we should be asking the question why are otherwise perfect marriages wrecked by porn usage? Why are men and women literally throwing away their lives, their families, their relationships for this. So maybe, just maybe, for the next five days, give me the benefit of the doubt. If you think I am wrong, that's cool, but for five days just go along with it.

I will defend that stance more tomorrow (but this blog is getting seriously long). I will say this before I end this post, just because something may be better doesn't mean it is necessarily good for you (or society). Think of the ultimate cheeseburger. This is no McDonalds cheeseburger. This is no cheeseburger you have ever had in your life. This cheeseburger is so fatty, so delicious, so unbelievably life changing that the instant you finish digesting this cheeseburger you will certainly die of a heart attack. The reason: because you took eating outside the boundaries the heart was designed to handle. Now for those first 10 minutes it was probably the best thing that you have ever had, but that doesn't mean it was the best thing for you, nor does it mean the mass consumption of these cheeseburgers by society would be good for culture. That is the way I am going to approach porn for the next five days: it is the ultimate cheeseburger that will kill you.

Upcoming:
Wed: Reasons For Porn's Growth
Thus: What If My Partner Doesn't Care
Fri: What God Has To Say
Sat: Methods That Help

References:
Puremorality.org
Christianpost.com

Trueu.org

Blazinggrace.org