Andy Borgmann's Blog

I went on vacation last week straight from the radio show, which meant that I didn't get to see The Simpsons (along with Family Guy on Sunday nights makes for an incredibly hilarious evening after working a typical 15 hour day on Sundays). Because of vacation, I just recently watched The Simpsons season finale last night (entitled Homer and Marge Turn a Couple Play). It never ceases to amaze me how The Simpsons can be funny, even after 17 years on the air!

About half way through the show, Tabitha (aka Fiona per Simpson's Episode guide) decides to sing a new song she wrote in honor of her marriage's rekindled love. The song is entitle "Sexy-Marriage Land" and includes a "Britney-spears-look-a-like" cartoon figure, dancing with a pole, with words like monogamy, and health benefits dancing in the background.

What strikes me is how easy it is for Hollywood to make marriage sex so unappetizing. Even with Bart's comment at the end, "something makes me want to give her five bucks," still doesn't do anything for the overall feeling at the end of the scene. That feeling is, man, "sexy-marriage land" is retarded. Who cares about health benefits in relation to sex.

This brings me back to a conversation I had while working at the Allen County Courthouse in Fort Wayne, IN when I was 18 years old. This conversation made me realize sex was like marshmallows (and brace yourself, this one might get long).

I should start off by saying that I am "technically" a 23-year old virgin (technically means that in past relationships I have "fooled around" but never had intercourse, I am not saying fooling around is acceptable, but at least now you know where I am coming from). Anyway, I know this means that half of the people reading this now feel I have absolutely no credit to talk about sex. But give me a second, and if you want a good read by the fireplace, check out my Senior Thesis on a Theology of the Erotic to prove I have at least spent a lot of time thinking about sex.

Now back to the good stuff. I worked at a crazy, but fun, office while at the courthouse. Most of the people there were under 25, most didn't have a college degree, and they still liked to party. It kind of had a "Sex in the City" feel to it, only instead of New York it was Fort Wayne, IN, and instead of Carrie and Samantha it was Sarah and Kimmy.

One day when the bosses were at a conference, and the day was wrapping up, we all gathered back in a corner of the office and started discussing a whole bunch of stuff. Somehow, it eventually got to the fact that I was a virgin and waiting for marriage to have sex. A girl named Kimmy heard this and looked me straight in the eye and with the most concerned look in her face said, "ohh honey, sex doesn't begin at marriage, sex ends at marriage."

Now I liked Kimmy a lot, she was cool. And I know she liked me a lot. So she was by no means trying to make fun of me or put me down. She seriously thought she was helping by informing me of this social revelation that sex ends at marriage. Now I put up an argument, but the day was ending rapidly and we were all walking out the door.

On the drive home, rethinking the conversation, I realized that sex was like marshmallows. I know, you're confused. But hold on (I told you this one would get long).

When I was like 10 I remember watching an Oprah show (no I am not a big fan of Oprah, but for some reason I was watching this day and it has stuck in my head ever since). Now Oprah was doing a show on how you can tell your two year old will be gifted.

The premise was this. A bunch of 2-year olds were given a marshmallow and told if they could hold off on eating the marshmallow for 20-minutes they would get a second marshmallow. Now some kids popped that sucker in their mouth right away. Others stared at the thing and somewhere between minute 1 and minute 19 they popped the thing in their mouth. A select few put the thing out of their sight and went on doing whatever else they were doing at the time.

Now think with me for a minute. Lets say 2 year old had the ability to taunt each other and think at a higher level. Lets say those that ate their marshmallow turned to the kids who hadn't eaten the marshmallow and told them how great their marshmallow was. It tasted so good. It was so much fun. I loved it. Nothing they said would be a lie. They could even continue by saying, why do you even think someone is coming back to give you a second one. You have no guarantees. You better eat your marshmallow now before it gets stale and nasty. Again, nothing they said would be a lie. And they are right, there was no guarantee that anybody was coming back with more marshmallows.

The point is this. For 20 minutes, the kids who hate their marshmallow got all the fun, while the kids who waited, which I am sure seemed like an eternity, had to tough it out. BUT, at that 20 minute mark, that is when the kids who ate their marshmallow stopped having all the fun, and the kids who didn't eat their marshmallow began having fun. And in addition to that, the kids who didn't eat their marshmallow got to experience a whole new level of fun the first group of kids wouldn't even understand (because they only had one marshmallow as appose to two).

So this all comes back to Kimmy. You see, she was probably right. Sex, when outside of God's will, probably doesn't begin at marriage but ends at marriage. But for those who can stick it out, they'll understand a more fulfilling and truly satisfying sex life that the first group couldn't ever understand.

Which brings me back to the Simpsons. You see, while "Sexy Marriage Land" was being sung, and words like monogamy and health benefits flashing in the background, the writers missed the point. Sure, there are things like health benefits, commitment, and security in "marriage-sex," but that doesn't mean their aren't words like hot, erotic, and nasty either. Sex was designed to be fun in a marriage by the Creator. And its about time society started enjoying "sexy-marriage land."